The woman with the plan.

Saturday, January 30, 2010


I have had this blog for years and I keep abandoning it then coming right back. This is mostly due to laziness and my inability to write down my feelings as well as I used to. I have bottled up a lot of my emotions since I got into the career I am in now and I just now realized how unhealthy that is. The truth is that I'm overall disappointed with how my life has turned out and more than anything I'm disappointed in myself for letting it get to this point.
I never imagined that at 27 I would be at this huge roadblock in my life. I'm overweight, working in a job that I hate, still single, still childless, finances and credit are essentially in the crapper and when all is said and done once I'm out of the military I'm probably going to be back where I started in 2006, which is living at home with my parents.
Truthfully, the prospect of that future is both scary and eye opening. Now this post isn't meant to be a downer but it is supposed to make me wake up and realize what I have been doing. I've only made one mad leap into something and that turned into a huge bust because even though I thought I would change that I could change I still stayed the same shy, awkward person. This was perhaps my true downfall. Not my brother, not the fact that I didn't get a job, but me. I hold myself back constantly and it stinks. What makes it worse is that I haven't changed from that person, but now I realize it has to stop.
I can't live my life like this anymore. I can't live waking up in the morning feeling miserable and going to bed equally miserable.
I have only one life to live and I'm wasting it by holding myself back. Essentially, I need to grow up and stop depending on others and start learning to rely on myself. I'm so tired of feeling sad.
I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of feeling as if I have to make everyone like me by never saying no. I'm tired of saying I'm going to do something then proceed to not do it because I'm too afraid to talk to others or even take that chance. Most of all, I'm tired of feeling as if I'm somehow a worthless human being.
I need to accept that things won't always go my way, that not everyone will like me or love me, that saying the word "no" is not the awful thing I think it is. It is time for me to just pick up and move on. It is time for me to get a backbone. It is time for me to truly speak and not be afraid or worried about what my actions or thoughts will make others think of me. It is time for me to be my true self, the person that I hide from others and even myself. In summary, it is just time for change.